nor

finally got my promotion last week
chasing this for god knows how long
come to think of it, not even sure if I'm actually chasing it.
yet the joy of getting it kind of faded away in just couple of days
what leftover now is 3 times works I receive compare than before.
and tiredness
not really complaining, not the age I should complain yet

all these lately it reminded me of a certain person
a middle age lady back when i work in Shell
and unfortunately she passed last year.
she is very well spoken, elegant, well-behaved and kind
and I respect her a lot, like a kakak to me.
I never have the chance to see her after I left, because she left the company too not longer after me.
and no one knows she was sick until she passed, even those are closed to her in the company.

why my promotion reminded me of her?
because on my farewell lunch back then she actually ask me what the new job I got.
and I told her I'm becoming a team lead for a certain project.
i still remember her face lit up, smile and tell me
"I knew that you are going to be someone that lead people, work at the top guy"
in these words I can hear that she is feeling proud for me.
that feelings of getting approved, recognized. and these words are the few that kept me going

it's a shame that i dint have chance to say goodbye.
so live up your life, to yourselves and to others
so that when you face death, the last thoughts shall not be shame nor regrets

Little

Take some time and do something everyday, repeatedly, eventually you will get better.
that's what I finally realize after so long, but yet its something I was doing all along.
like back when I first started Muay Thai, although I was a gymnast and I have pretty good balance

I have a better head start comparing others that have no sport background
but still doesn't mean I'm good at it right off the bats.
I kind of slack off half a year after 3 months I started.
then not sure what got into me and I actually went there every weekend after the break.
and eventually I go every available classes every week.

then finally 4 & half years later, officially being recognize as an assistant coach
but not that I get pay since its a hobby not a job, I do get discount on classes though.

recently the lockdown has make me unable to play this sport.
then I gave myself a target, to stretch.
after 1 & half month, trying to do a full split, now my calf only left an inch before it can touch the floor.
if I keep going, it should take less than 2 weeks to have a "touchdown".
Then i could move to 2nd stage, a full touch down.
and just now not sure why got into me again, I actually take out all the Japanese learning material out,

it was from my level 1 Japanese studies. I did graduated on level one, 
But I have forgotten most of them - reading and writing.
Then a thought come to mind, what if I take 30 mins to an hour a day, just to study.
would I able to speak or read Japanese in a couple of year?
(not to brag but I do able to somewhat understand Japanese if they speak slow enough, plus I did communicate with Japanese back when I travel in Bali with some tourist and they understood me, but of course totally not fluent and broken in many way)
Well as a Malaysian Chinese I can speak 4 language fluently, read and write.
Adding one more wouldn't hurt. 

Now come to existential crisis question, do I have "couple of years"?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not diagnosed having some life threatening disease,
its just that shit happen everyday,  and now covid19 is like everywhere,
people I knows has been contracted and pass away.
its difficult to know what happen next, but definitely even without Covid19 we still can't predict what comes next. Just the chance is lessen.
I might die falling off my chair by hitting my own head with my knee, or get choke to death eating a tofu. 
Who knows. time like this makes me want to be immortals but... its going to be a lonely life.
Life is beautiful because it's finite.
guess we just have to live up and live as full as we could,
else, we might just get condemn by those who couldn't have the present.

Oh just side note, i always got my priority wrong.
I should be studying for my exam, i have 6 pending.
3 from my part time degree, another 3 for Microsoft certificates - which is extremely difficult

I should not be revision my Japanese now but these damn exam.