困

 taught the muay thai class just now, 
master is stuck on a meeting and couldn't make it
come to think of it, i really enjoy teaching and leading the class
and most probably im not doing it right, but i really enjoy it.
since im teaching today my body is not exhausted as it should usually
but im mentally exhausted because i couldn't sleep since past 3 weeks.
no matter how tired i feels
Either it take me forever to fall asleep, or sleeping 2 hours and waking up
then require another 2 hours lying on bed before i could fall asleep. 

This fucking insomnia are literally killing me.
if this going for months i might need some sleeping pills
well hopefully it doesn't need to come to that.

even now im so sleepy i think it will at least take me an hour to fall asleep.
right
gonna to waste my time falling sleep

cya

don't dwell

i should have wrote this like last wednesday,
but i got so tired so just kinda passed out

i had so many injuries during my training i kinda lost count.

(dont doubt it, there are ice-packs in the towel)

sprained ankle, half dislocated shoulder, bruised here and there
falling face first or head first, bit my own tongue, tear my gum or mouth.
and so on.

hmm but i still continue?
truth is i dont know either
probably its something that i have finally found that i can continue without giving up half way?
im totally not a persistence guy.
i do things very half arsed. usually i give up before anything happen,
with peoples, with thing, with hobby.

That day my chiropractor dr. ask me that, why do i like this sport
i couldn't answer her for a moment, because i dint know why i started too.
still kind of confused why i kept going
probably that time just wanted to do some exercise or so.
and then what kept me going on and on is probably the people there.
the comfortableness and joy that being surround by people?
its not like i dont have friends but, hard to explain. 
I got very used to do things alone, being alone.
i went dive alone, movie alone, eat alone, shopping alone and so on
in someway being alone is free, i do miss my old gang going holiday.
now that they are all grown up,everyone has their own priority,
some are gf, some at far away land unable to come back, some just kind of disappear.
well, i dont blame them, its time then it's time.

now i probably got so good and so used to being alone to the point i feels disgust at it.
but hmm, life goes on. dont dwell.

crack

 

Just check that i have mild scoliosis, which cause by my pelvis was not a align

of course, its from my x-ray report, im no doctor.

had my first treatment, hmm hard to say if im better, because i still feels sore near my tail bone

but i do feels that my shoulder has opened up and my hunch back has lessen. 

but i did went to doctor to prioritize checking my right shoulder, which constant freeze up and pain

not sure its started from a bad fall in the gym or just stupid sleep posture. 

which i used to really like sleeping on my right side before this happen.

then now i cant do that which is pretty sad. and harder to fall asleep

 but the shoulder dint really fix, so probably need a few more session.

my back however i do feels great.

more opened up make me even breath easier and should has less pressure.

the treatment was fine, it doesnt hurt at all

but man...

the physio, it hurts so much.

because the muscle around the bone that has wrong position has gotten so used to that post

which is require to loosen up and re-tighten the correct place.

and that man, it hurt so much. 

plus, doing my muaythai has constantly only using only few set of muscle but not others

it has some unbalance (which totally my fault because i hate to do muscle conditioning, and skipping all the time)

well. 

i just hope they fix my shoulder or everything before i could go to my fight next year.

well supposedly if the covid has at least died down or vaccine is truly found so that i could go.

Remembrance

To remember only the good thing from another person

and be kind even if they have been wounded you in any way

that they away from your life, or shows up in your life

or even leave you sooner than you thought, physically or not

and still be kind to everyone i think that is the kindest thing one can do.

strange, when i wrote this with my mind on something and someone else

but yet now im thinking about my dad.

its been 9 years since he passed

my interaction with him the memories are still fresh in my mind

however his face kinda faded, still could recall if i think hard enough

i have very little picture with him, which is a regret.

well, of course that time smart phone wasnt really a thing yet.

but i once read someone wrote;

someone only truly dies when there are no one remember them,

so as long they are still in your memories they still live with you. in you.

so be it even you have lost someone important in your life,

be it they are still here but hurt you.

just remember,

remember, as your memories are the footprints that proof you live, that they lived.