Grass

It's just myself talking to myself about myself,
Thomas Shelby - Peaky blinders

The quote from a drama i like,
Pretty much sums up what i wrote in here too,
if you know me don't bother asking why or what i wrote,
what i wrote here stays here.
Will talk when i feels like to.

Anyhow, shaved my hair few days ago never got to post on social media
Guess i will post here.
mehh, because it doesn't looks any different anyway,
Because i dint cut the middle parts where the "Grass" is growing,
not cutting it because i dint want it become unsalvageable
At least the middle part i can just wax it up or tie it up so it doesnt looks messy.
but the side and back how about, looks shit. so i shaved it,
it wasnt as crooked as i thought it would, turns out looks pretty good too.

Disciplined

I don't remember how days is has passed since the lock downs
Days 35? 36 ?
Din't keep track.
I miss the gym, the training, the sparing.
But in these lock down time i did not do any cardio exercise,
My stamina sure hell drop to rock bottom when this end.
But one thing surprise myself was I somehow disciplined myself,
to do two hundreds plus reps on conditioning/exercise everyday,
its not cardio and its not much by compare doing it at the gym
While back at gym we usually do a thousand times.
But I has been doing continuously for 2 weeks or more,
My lazy ass dint stop somehow.
Hope I could even do it after the MCO end,
The shape is coming out, it looks pretty dope

Vesemir

“I can't cry, I don't know how"
This phrase was from a favorite video game I played; Witcher 3
A mutant that has been strip from emotions, named Geralt.

Time to time I thought that phrase perfectly describe what I was,
There were so many things happened lately and not single tear was shed.
At these bad time for me, I just submerge myself in everything i could find,
I purposely made myself very busy, get myself a part time study in degree
Got my boss to give me extra projects.
Finding sustenance in the Muay Thai Class.
But the training is my solace, it made me forgets.
Not once let my bad side of my emotion shows, laugh as much as normally should
Until this MCO got me,
Where it made me have so much free times for my mind to tangle in memories and problems
Thus, make me having bad insomnia lately, my brain just keep thinking
I'm tired, its not my body, its my mind
Constrained my emotion too much it tires me out
Feels like collapsing any minutes when times goes by.
"I can't cry, I don't know how"
My heart is tattered, yet even lying on bed cant sleep the tears just wouldn't come out

Then few hours ago
just chatting to a friend that knows my agony, probably the only knows the full stories,
just due some circumstances this friend happened know.
Suddenly all these emotion just fucking gush out,
Crying unstoppable in front of the bright lid screen in my dark room.
Without warning.
Just for few minutes though, actually I was surprise, i dint know I still have this in myself.
I thought i was numbed enough that i doesn't feels anymore.
On first thought i was like, not manly enough because i cried
Then on second thought, fuck it I am Human too

The very last time I cried was when my dad passed away, 9 years ago.
Probably that time I have cried more than enough for a whole decade.
Seriously not joking i cried like hours straight, then repeating every few days, i was 18.

But to say,
My breakup is not the main reason for this emotion roller coaster, although it's a part of it,
But it was all the small and big disaster that accumulated through these few months.
It was tough for me at least. But for the first time in weeks, i think i can have good sleep tonight.

Neglect

It has been 7 months.
Since our broke up.
Strange, because I have never tell a single soul about how I felt in the past 7 months
I am not the talking nor sharing type
Yet here I am writing this.


People ask why, how does it end?
Is it people? Is it personality? Is it she having someone else?
But does it matter?
What matter is that it has ended.

Up to this point I guess we both don't know why we split up.
Actual reason, guess we both are not sure.
No one is perfect, but
To have each other is to find perfection in each other,
We are definitely not perfect, nor perfect for each other.
Hence she seeks it elsewhere where I just stay neglect.

To this point i wasn't sad, its just feel pity that 3 years down the road
Looks like I wasn't giving my all.
Still, looks like she has someone she likes now.
Chat with her earlier few days ago, hopefully we both get the relieve that we want
It was surprisingly cheerful, yet feels lonely.
It would probably be the last time.
Now, I just hope that she finds the perfection she seek.



愿你获得幸福，曾经爱过我的人