我想吃掉你的胰脏（i want to eat your pancreas) ， 声之形 (a silent voice, Koe No Katachi)

这两套动画电影，算是好几年前的动画
可是都没看，知道它们的存在，可是都没找时间去看
因为我知道情节/ 结局很扎心
但是就在几天前，把两部一直要看的都看了

先说《我想吃掉你的胰脏》吧
开始是一本小说，作者是- 住野夜 （Sumino Yoru)
我没读他的小说，我也没看真人版
所以我不能将它们比较
在我还没看之前，我只知道女的有胰脏病里面的情节几乎不懂
也大概猜得到结局没啥好样
但是，虽说有心理准备，可是我还是被轰炸了一番
整套戏都是围绕着女生所剩时间还有死亡
男女主的邂逅很简单，就男主捡到了女主的笔记本 - 共病文库
来记录她再死前所作所想的一切
然后男主看了无动于衷，还了给她，然后故事就开始了

我也懒得说简介，很大可能你们都看了
就只说说感想
情节很轻松，很多很可爱会让观众嘴角上扬的互动
要不是情节时不时提起女生有绝症
我也真想就让整套戏就这样结束
可是，有瑕疵才是显得很多其他的事珍贵
几乎每套爱情电影都会有自己特别的情话，打个比如就像fault in our star 里
他们的情话就是简单的 “ OK" 这字

而这里，就正是”我要吃掉你的胰脏”
这句话象征了好几个东西，我想你活下去，我喜欢你，我在这里
我真以为女主就会这样慢慢的在病床上离开
然而，剧情却让她还剩下的几个月的生命时被杀了
对，在去跟男主约会的途中被杀了，男主等了一整天

回到家看了新闻才知道，他看到了之后

panic attack 上楼梯时晕倒了

我觉得换做是我我，我应该会更严重

就是这样的一个想不到意外，我看了之后

我真的郁闷了好几天，每次想到时都会比个干

因为完全不是你想象的结局，最后说着男主看完女主的共病文库还有遗言

真的很感人

但是我依然不爽女主的遭遇，但是人生也许就是那么无常

好了这里就说《声之形》

说着一位聋的女主被男主与他的朋友欺负，但最后校方知道了这事
谴责了男主，但是他的朋友却出卖了男主，让他自己抗完了罪行

也弄得他被其他人排挤，直到高中，也弄得他有忧郁
你所做的罪，最终会回来咬你一口

这部电影也算是围绕着死亡，只是是跟心里的挣扎

想去死的心情

男主因为做错事，被排挤弄得忧郁，想离开世界

而女主因为觉得自己是负累

这部呢，我在它还没出电影前几年，我就把它的漫画看了

现在也真的没有很记得漫画的情节

可是我可以说，电影中减少了很多重要的剧情

很多角色的成长有点略过

但是总体还算好看

声优很厉害，画风也很好看很美

这部的特别情话是，我还是应该说是情语？因为他们用手语

就是“我们可以做朋友吗”

可是，电影竟然没有最后漫画的情节

让他们真正的画上句号，有点可惜

但是，如果你没看我觉得这两部都很适合

可是，如果你是稍微容易哭的人，请你准备纸巾。

分分钟会蹦泪

rain

It raining now.
the sound of rain is always soothing
pitter pattered on the roof 
it calms the mind
even when if it's pouring and with thunderstorms
it still feels safe somehow.
probably i have wrote a few times how i much i love rain
yeah... i really do. 

but here i am feeling exhausted.
been few days straight doing stamina and explosive training.
the sweats is almost able to drips from my cloth (im not a heavy sweating person)
well of course it got so wet and becomes so heavy.
last 30 mins of the training im like a walking dead.
every movement kept to a bare minimum

and somehow i got heavier. i dont looks i gained at all
but i did become heavier.
not sure which part of muscle mass actually increase.
my abs is very flat now, but packs are still not quite showing.
hm.. an improvement i guess.

Stagnant

lately a weird thought come to my mind
well, thoughts like these usually comes when i driving home from gym
down the silent road.
I feels stagnant in life.
Feels like somehow everyone around me started running and I slowed down my pace
almost to a standstill or... actually stopped.
Yeah I still doing my degree, going for my training every single classes
Trying to make myself stronger physically and mentally
now its just feels more like a habit, and an excuse for me to tell im still going.
but am I still improving? 
I asked for my current job to give me more，
projects, account, responsibility.
and I got it.
but I didn't feels what I thought I should feels.
i still feels like i have stopped going forward.
am i gotten to comfort with what i have now?

no life satisfaction. probably is what I am feeling now
ha, what am i babbling, most likely the thrills, the satisfactoriness, just about to be found.
 

what

 I dont even know what i to write,
but yet im here.
strange
Movement control has been extended,
pretty sure everyone plan been fucked since March
or should I says since the virus spread.
its everywhere now, 
Since it has spread so far off,
it will be with us forever
even if vaccine is made they will be here

Now making new plans is not good time too
who knows 2021 what else may come
although i really wish i could go dive as soon the monsoon end
and of course, state border has to be open too.
then going to climb my KK mount.
fark... and money is another factor too.

ugh.. i having a headache, lack of sleeps lately 

Toe

Just first day the muay thai official gym reopen since October CMCO and I got injured
and it's ridiculous how I get my injury
was kicking bag and one bad angle kicks on my foot
my big toe's nail, was stuck in between the gap of the bag
(actually is the gap between the cloth tape, because the bag is worn out and we tape it with cloth tape)
then I proceed continue the kick and pull out, 
never knowing it almost pull my whole nail out
well, to be exact almost half of it, 
then I just kneel down, first aid 101, apply pressure because its started bleeding
Profusely 

right after that I just use a plaster as base, then tape it cloth tape and masking tape
and continue the class as usual 
well... but now it hurts at different places for some reason.
ugh, hopefully next class n I dont need the same tape on my toe again.

父亲，爸

今天是我父亲死忌
他很会选日期离开，在2011 年，11月1号
我没有很多我父亲的照片
因为他去世那年是smart phone 刚刚正要开始而已
而且我没有很喜欢自拍和拍照，现在的我也是
那年，我三哥还没来的及毕业，我刚大学第二个学期
他就离开了，那天我没见到他最后一面
我只记得我朋友载着我去医院
我在车里哭的哔哩啪啦的
到的时候我家人全在医院外面等着我
爸不在了

他年轻时也许不是一个很称职的父亲
也不会是一个很好的榜样
但是作为一位父亲，我觉得他尽责了
我大哥与二哥，也许是在我爸最狂躁的时间与他接触最多
感情没有很好
但是与我跟三哥，就相反，应该是年长了，我爸性格也收敛了
我们很好谈，可以说废
我还记得，每天回到家
都会看到他坐在那唯一单座的沙发
翘着脚，开着电视，也许真的在看，要不然就睡着觉
他离开后，这情景再也看不到
打开了门也听不到电视的声音
说实话，在我搬离旧屋前，我都没习惯

我爸呢
一整身纹身，在家又不喜欢穿衣服，有个啤酒肚
看下去一脸超煞，却是一位很好谈的人
没有真正跟他说过话的人， 都几乎不敢跟他说话
就连我朋友来到我家也很怕他
然后时不时就会听他说年轻时的威风事，虽说很多大炮
但是，也有几分真，也很好听
中学时经常来载我，也有一次被他抓包
在cyber cafe， 逃课没上学
他只是笑笑，然后带我吃东西
然后每个朋友以为我会被殴，他们都错了
因为会殴我的只有我妈，而且功夫了得

他的离开太突然，没先兆
什么我自己答应自己对他要做的
都没来及
所以我和我兄弟只能做的就是代替我爸疼我妈

谢谢你，爸