干

 刚刚才正式的踏入27岁，多几天就算是28了
干
年尾生日怎么感觉老的快，明明就相反
但是我还没过生日我都不会跟人家说跟着年的岁数
明年还不能打比赛，如果继续拖下去
我做fighter的时间真的时日无多了
真心的想上场打个痛快看看自己的skill level

等等，这篇文章究竟呀说些啥
其实没什么，就想唠叨
第二年单身的过生日
自己过节日不可怕，可怕的是自己过不去
还好从来没这种感觉
一个人没什么不好
而且，我没在赶

好笑的是我身边的人都很在意我单身
有朋友要介绍姐妹，就连一位同志好朋友都说着介绍女生给我认识
最搞笑的是我妈
应该是上几个月吧, 回到家我忘了跟我妈谈起了什么
然后我妈突然飞来一句，
“我看你社交很不错啊，为什么找不到女友”
那时候我愣了，因为有点莫名其妙
然后她继续说，“就分了一个就怕了？”
干
被看小了！
我就回她说，你的儿子真的不差的有人追的 （当然，骗话连天）
很lc 的说，如果我要有女友我很快可以有（我鼻子很长了）
接着说，但是我真的现在只想单身
然后我妈半信半疑的脸，然后我就说着其他话题撇开了

接着昨天（28号） 我生日，我工作回到家
有人送了个cake 
然后她就问 女的送的？    是
怎么不适合吗？
干。
没庆祝吗
我说我下午时有跟另外一位朋友吃饭
她问：还是女的？     是
怎么还单身？
干

当然我缩短了许多，重点大致上是这样
我妈就像是一直拿着单身这字在我脸上挫

我暂时不想拍拖，这个暂时也许很快，也许很慢
反正爱情来时 终究会来

最平凡时

“ 在最平凡的时候遇上你喜欢的人”

等等，在我开始之前我需要说
虽然我也知道我这一位27岁的男士
写着这些文章确实有点滑稽
毕竟已不是那种年纪了，
puppy love 或者那些撕心肺裂的爱情给这种年纪的我的却有点奢侈
可是被约束的爱情，还是爱情吗？
但，别误会，我就想写我想写的，就这样
就当我废话

前几个礼拜我朋友对了我说这句话
“ 在最平凡的时候遇上你喜欢的人，是很幸福的事”
我对这句话琢磨了很长的一段时间，
说实话我不明白，还是我记错
怎样算是最平凡呢，是我还没有变得富裕，还没整容长得帅
还是还没打断腿让自己长高的时候？
也许就是这样，物质上，有形的，看得到，摸得到的平凡

我总觉得他说错了，因为在你最平凡时，遇到你喜欢的某人
一点也不幸福
因为人家未必喜欢你
所以应该改一改变成“ 在最平凡的时候遇上喜欢你的人，是很幸福的事”
可是这样可能会变成 “在错的时间遇上对的人”的情况
这时候的你，也许也不喜欢人家，也许忙着打拼
忙着让这平凡变得不平凡

当然所谓的不平凡不约束于有形或物质
也许就那平凡内心，性格，爱好

仔细再想一想，也许两种也有自己的幸福吧
几率当然没那么刚好，两种都一起来
那么才是真正的幸福吧
有时候，爱情真的是要那么的刚刚好，才来得幸福

我想吃掉你的胰脏（i want to eat your pancreas) ， 声之形 (a silent voice, Koe No Katachi)

这两套动画电影，算是好几年前的动画
可是都没看，知道它们的存在，可是都没找时间去看
因为我知道情节/ 结局很扎心
但是就在几天前，把两部一直要看的都看了

先说《我想吃掉你的胰脏》吧
开始是一本小说，作者是- 住野夜 （Sumino Yoru)
我没读他的小说，我也没看真人版
所以我不能将它们比较
在我还没看之前，我只知道女的有胰脏病里面的情节几乎不懂
也大概猜得到结局没啥好样
但是，虽说有心理准备，可是我还是被轰炸了一番
整套戏都是围绕着女生所剩时间还有死亡
男女主的邂逅很简单，就男主捡到了女主的笔记本 - 共病文库
来记录她再死前所作所想的一切
然后男主看了无动于衷，还了给她，然后故事就开始了

我也懒得说简介，很大可能你们都看了
就只说说感想
情节很轻松，很多很可爱会让观众嘴角上扬的互动
要不是情节时不时提起女生有绝症
我也真想就让整套戏就这样结束
可是，有瑕疵才是显得很多其他的事珍贵
几乎每套爱情电影都会有自己特别的情话，打个比如就像fault in our star 里
他们的情话就是简单的 “ OK" 这字

而这里，就正是”我要吃掉你的胰脏”
这句话象征了好几个东西，我想你活下去，我喜欢你，我在这里
我真以为女主就会这样慢慢的在病床上离开
然而，剧情却让她还剩下的几个月的生命时被杀了
对，在去跟男主约会的途中被杀了，男主等了一整天

回到家看了新闻才知道，他看到了之后

panic attack 上楼梯时晕倒了

我觉得换做是我我，我应该会更严重

就是这样的一个想不到意外，我看了之后

我真的郁闷了好几天，每次想到时都会比个干

因为完全不是你想象的结局，最后说着男主看完女主的共病文库还有遗言

真的很感人

但是我依然不爽女主的遭遇，但是人生也许就是那么无常

好了这里就说《声之形》

说着一位聋的女主被男主与他的朋友欺负，但最后校方知道了这事
谴责了男主，但是他的朋友却出卖了男主，让他自己抗完了罪行

也弄得他被其他人排挤，直到高中，也弄得他有忧郁
你所做的罪，最终会回来咬你一口

这部电影也算是围绕着死亡，只是是跟心里的挣扎

想去死的心情

男主因为做错事，被排挤弄得忧郁，想离开世界

而女主因为觉得自己是负累

这部呢，我在它还没出电影前几年，我就把它的漫画看了

现在也真的没有很记得漫画的情节

可是我可以说，电影中减少了很多重要的剧情

很多角色的成长有点略过

但是总体还算好看

声优很厉害，画风也很好看很美

这部的特别情话是，我还是应该说是情语？因为他们用手语

就是“我们可以做朋友吗”

可是，电影竟然没有最后漫画的情节

让他们真正的画上句号，有点可惜

但是，如果你没看我觉得这两部都很适合

可是，如果你是稍微容易哭的人，请你准备纸巾。

分分钟会蹦泪

rain

It raining now.
the sound of rain is always soothing
pitter pattered on the roof 
it calms the mind
even when if it's pouring and with thunderstorms
it still feels safe somehow.
probably i have wrote a few times how i much i love rain
yeah... i really do. 

but here i am feeling exhausted.
been few days straight doing stamina and explosive training.
the sweats is almost able to drips from my cloth (im not a heavy sweating person)
well of course it got so wet and becomes so heavy.
last 30 mins of the training im like a walking dead.
every movement kept to a bare minimum

and somehow i got heavier. i dont looks i gained at all
but i did become heavier.
not sure which part of muscle mass actually increase.
my abs is very flat now, but packs are still not quite showing.
hm.. an improvement i guess.

Stagnant

lately a weird thought come to my mind
well, thoughts like these usually comes when i driving home from gym
down the silent road.
I feels stagnant in life.
Feels like somehow everyone around me started running and I slowed down my pace
almost to a standstill or... actually stopped.
Yeah I still doing my degree, going for my training every single classes
Trying to make myself stronger physically and mentally
now its just feels more like a habit, and an excuse for me to tell im still going.
but am I still improving? 
I asked for my current job to give me more，
projects, account, responsibility.
and I got it.
but I didn't feels what I thought I should feels.
i still feels like i have stopped going forward.
am i gotten to comfort with what i have now?

no life satisfaction. probably is what I am feeling now
ha, what am i babbling, most likely the thrills, the satisfactoriness, just about to be found.
 

what

 I dont even know what i to write,
but yet im here.
strange
Movement control has been extended,
pretty sure everyone plan been fucked since March
or should I says since the virus spread.
its everywhere now, 
Since it has spread so far off,
it will be with us forever
even if vaccine is made they will be here

Now making new plans is not good time too
who knows 2021 what else may come
although i really wish i could go dive as soon the monsoon end
and of course, state border has to be open too.
then going to climb my KK mount.
fark... and money is another factor too.

ugh.. i having a headache, lack of sleeps lately 

Toe

Just first day the muay thai official gym reopen since October CMCO and I got injured
and it's ridiculous how I get my injury
was kicking bag and one bad angle kicks on my foot
my big toe's nail, was stuck in between the gap of the bag
(actually is the gap between the cloth tape, because the bag is worn out and we tape it with cloth tape)
then I proceed continue the kick and pull out, 
never knowing it almost pull my whole nail out
well, to be exact almost half of it, 
then I just kneel down, first aid 101, apply pressure because its started bleeding
Profusely 

right after that I just use a plaster as base, then tape it cloth tape and masking tape
and continue the class as usual 
well... but now it hurts at different places for some reason.
ugh, hopefully next class n I dont need the same tape on my toe again.

父亲，爸

今天是我父亲死忌
他很会选日期离开，在2011 年，11月1号
我没有很多我父亲的照片
因为他去世那年是smart phone 刚刚正要开始而已
而且我没有很喜欢自拍和拍照，现在的我也是
那年，我三哥还没来的及毕业，我刚大学第二个学期
他就离开了，那天我没见到他最后一面
我只记得我朋友载着我去医院
我在车里哭的哔哩啪啦的
到的时候我家人全在医院外面等着我
爸不在了

他年轻时也许不是一个很称职的父亲
也不会是一个很好的榜样
但是作为一位父亲，我觉得他尽责了
我大哥与二哥，也许是在我爸最狂躁的时间与他接触最多
感情没有很好
但是与我跟三哥，就相反，应该是年长了，我爸性格也收敛了
我们很好谈，可以说废
我还记得，每天回到家
都会看到他坐在那唯一单座的沙发
翘着脚，开着电视，也许真的在看，要不然就睡着觉
他离开后，这情景再也看不到
打开了门也听不到电视的声音
说实话，在我搬离旧屋前，我都没习惯

我爸呢
一整身纹身，在家又不喜欢穿衣服，有个啤酒肚
看下去一脸超煞，却是一位很好谈的人
没有真正跟他说过话的人， 都几乎不敢跟他说话
就连我朋友来到我家也很怕他
然后时不时就会听他说年轻时的威风事，虽说很多大炮
但是，也有几分真，也很好听
中学时经常来载我，也有一次被他抓包
在cyber cafe， 逃课没上学
他只是笑笑，然后带我吃东西
然后每个朋友以为我会被殴，他们都错了
因为会殴我的只有我妈，而且功夫了得

他的离开太突然，没先兆
什么我自己答应自己对他要做的
都没来及
所以我和我兄弟只能做的就是代替我爸疼我妈

谢谢你，爸

喜欢

我曾经看过这句话，
“喜欢一个人，是一个人的事”
对，我觉得就是这样

喜欢，就是一个人事
无论是旁人，家人，朋友
就连被喜欢的那一位
都与他们无关

对我来说，喜欢一个人是很安静的
静静无声，毫不喧哗
就像在阅读
读着你喜欢的书，读着那内容在细说
笑着，开心着，哭着，悲伤着，焦着，烦恼着
也许你也会受其影响，情感跟其晃动，
但是
从未打扰任何人
无声
也就喜欢看着，在刚好的距离，不近不远
所以喜欢，是一个人的事

喜欢一个人，是一件很自私但同时也很无私
自私是因为从未理会那被喜欢的那一位的感受
无私是因为从未理会那位也会不会刚好喜欢你

当然，也有人的喜欢，是吵闹的，劈里啪啦的
他们对爱也一样，都说在嘴边
吵吵闹闹，谁都知道
那么你呢？

友

誓友，

当你收到这封信时，你生日肯定过了
但是祝福永远不迟
反正写这些时，是在 25 号前

近半年前 听到了这首歌
“浪子回头” 一首台语歌
歌词如果用华语来看 可能稍微偏差
但是，歌词里细说的正是我想对你说的话
其中一段如下

“親愛的　可愛的　英俊的　朋友 
垃圾的　沒品的　沒路用的　朋友 
佇坎坷的路騎我兩光摩托車　橫豎我的人生甘哪狗屎 
我沒錢沒某沒子甘哪一條命　朋友阿　逗陣來搏 
菸一支一支一支的點　酒一杯一杯一杯的乾
請你要體諒我　我酒量不好賣給我衝康 
時間一天一天一天的走　汗一滴一滴一滴的流 
有一天　咱都老　帶某子逗陣 浪子回頭”

浪子回头，是意思着回到来这里
带着你的另一半，回到来这里
回到来时，我们依然能通宵谈天
然后通宵谈天后不睡去跑步
再喝个可乐酸梅，然后继续谈着以往的青春和以后的梦想
要不然谈着废话连天也无所谓
虽然，已现在的年龄，
通宵再跑步，有很大可能真的会断气
进黑箱车

我们都长大了，样貌外部身高都不一样了
也许就连生活模式方向，谈吐也不一样了
但是我们都知道，在那心底，我们依然是那个我们
时间与距离永远都不会是让我们疏远的理由
所以誓友，当你回来时请你务必听这首歌
多的我也不说了，你知道我也知道
还有，
生日快乐

                                                                                                                 阿田

Real

So, what happened?

You don't know me, then you fall in love with me, and then you know me

Bojack Horseman

I love this show, what this shows bring up sometimes is just too real.
Although i haven't actually finish all of the season yet.
watching this is of course not for the animation,
but for the plot, the joke, the dialogue
and some of it, are just too real, almost feels like it happened to you.
i havent got into the dark part yet, i heard that season 5 and 6 is very sad 
which i just started on season 5 ep 1,
well, if you too free during mco time, do give bojack horseman a go.

Safe

Just came back not long ago and I miss it already,
the tranquility that felt in the water cannot be found anywhere in the city
and of course tons of pretty fishes and corals
Oh btw, I crossed my legs like that because we are preparing to enter water
and then captain decided to take a photo while I am wearing my fins 
On the right are the dive guide for the day named Brice, an DMI from the dive shop.
Nice guy
there is another dive buddy already went down in the water that time, so he is not in the pic. 

Well enough of the diving, cant go until next year and with this pandemic going on, 
probably anywhere are dangerous, and most likely my next year competition is canceling again
which have to drag another year, im really getting old by then.
the only good thing is i dont need to go over the torturing weight cutting process again.
sigh. 
Finished training just now, i felt that my stamina gotten a little better.
probably finished a vacation everything relaxed even my body.
well of course most probably not, must be the few stamina training I had.
hopefully the vaccine coming out soon, 
so, by then, stay safe

bubbles

 Finally took a longer leave and went to dive, 
Been close to 2 years, so i went all out, maximum dive the dive shop can provide for the time I'm there
4 days, dived 8 times.

first day was the most exhausting day, 4 hours drive, 2 hours of ferry,
couldn't even check in yet when I arrived
and went straight into my refresher dive in the morning then 2 boat dives in the afternoon.
I just came back and I miss it already.

One of the best dive, because I saw a shark this time, a blacktip, medium size
it was intriguing, but scary too because it swam so close to us,
Probably just 2 m apart from me.
all of the diving buddies are just looking at it until it went away. it was curious and checking on us
after the dive is finished everyone is saying like that was too close for comfort 
even its a non-aggressive shark type, its still a shark, too many teeth.

also saw a non composure diver that move around in the water too much, couldn't control the buoyancy good enough and step on a coral and broke a small part of it, that scene broke my heart.

ughhhh

well, not a people are very comfort in the water. hardly can blame them, also their dive count also not much.

even myself is just slightly over 20 logged dives. 

well, monsoon happening soon, see you tioman next year. 

Sweep

 

One of the most tiresome training, not because throwing out many heavy punches or kick

but fatigue from the keep falling down and getting back up again and again.

this kept going for like an hour, with different technique 

(and i only cut the part that the technique used is the one i good at) 

Well, but learning throw or sweep is fun. just cut a small part of the video, just treat it as slice of life.

with control falling, it wont hurt much but if really going throw someone, it hurts like hell

which personally first hand tasted it before.

well, aside an update really wasnt much,

new sem started for my studies, works are as usual, 

booked my dive, and still tired and sleepy as always.

300

 should have wrote this last wednesday,
but was too tired, and it has been raining so much.

Had stamina training last wednesday, one of the exercise is to kick 300 times on bag
im actually surprise that i could still walk normally next time
and the last 50 kicks of each leg, i tried to went for full power,
which i totally regret right after finished.
totally gas out, cant continue the next exercise, took me whole 20 mins+ 
to just feels not going to faint.
also PS. sorry to my partner because im so gassed out, and master have to take my place
and you get a 50 kicks to the abs from him.

yeah back to today, or just now,
when i realize it was lunch time was a little too late, 
few friends have eaten, some are else where,
been craving sushi for awhile, but eating sushi alone seems too freaking pathetic
so i dint went
which is a shame, so in the end choosing mamak food

困

 taught the muay thai class just now, 
master is stuck on a meeting and couldn't make it
come to think of it, i really enjoy teaching and leading the class
and most probably im not doing it right, but i really enjoy it.
since im teaching today my body is not exhausted as it should usually
but im mentally exhausted because i couldn't sleep since past 3 weeks.
no matter how tired i feels
Either it take me forever to fall asleep, or sleeping 2 hours and waking up
then require another 2 hours lying on bed before i could fall asleep. 

This fucking insomnia are literally killing me.
if this going for months i might need some sleeping pills
well hopefully it doesn't need to come to that.

even now im so sleepy i think it will at least take me an hour to fall asleep.
right
gonna to waste my time falling sleep

cya

don't dwell

i should have wrote this like last wednesday,
but i got so tired so just kinda passed out

i had so many injuries during my training i kinda lost count.

(dont doubt it, there are ice-packs in the towel)

sprained ankle, half dislocated shoulder, bruised here and there
falling face first or head first, bit my own tongue, tear my gum or mouth.
and so on.

hmm but i still continue?
truth is i dont know either
probably its something that i have finally found that i can continue without giving up half way?
im totally not a persistence guy.
i do things very half arsed. usually i give up before anything happen,
with peoples, with thing, with hobby.

That day my chiropractor dr. ask me that, why do i like this sport
i couldn't answer her for a moment, because i dint know why i started too.
still kind of confused why i kept going
probably that time just wanted to do some exercise or so.
and then what kept me going on and on is probably the people there.
the comfortableness and joy that being surround by people?
its not like i dont have friends but, hard to explain. 
I got very used to do things alone, being alone.
i went dive alone, movie alone, eat alone, shopping alone and so on
in someway being alone is free, i do miss my old gang going holiday.
now that they are all grown up,everyone has their own priority,
some are gf, some at far away land unable to come back, some just kind of disappear.
well, i dont blame them, its time then it's time.

now i probably got so good and so used to being alone to the point i feels disgust at it.
but hmm, life goes on. dont dwell.

crack

 

Just check that i have mild scoliosis, which cause by my pelvis was not a align

of course, its from my x-ray report, im no doctor.

had my first treatment, hmm hard to say if im better, because i still feels sore near my tail bone

but i do feels that my shoulder has opened up and my hunch back has lessen. 

but i did went to doctor to prioritize checking my right shoulder, which constant freeze up and pain

not sure its started from a bad fall in the gym or just stupid sleep posture. 

which i used to really like sleeping on my right side before this happen.

then now i cant do that which is pretty sad. and harder to fall asleep

 but the shoulder dint really fix, so probably need a few more session.

my back however i do feels great.

more opened up make me even breath easier and should has less pressure.

the treatment was fine, it doesnt hurt at all

but man...

the physio, it hurts so much.

because the muscle around the bone that has wrong position has gotten so used to that post

which is require to loosen up and re-tighten the correct place.

and that man, it hurt so much. 

plus, doing my muaythai has constantly only using only few set of muscle but not others

it has some unbalance (which totally my fault because i hate to do muscle conditioning, and skipping all the time)

well. 

i just hope they fix my shoulder or everything before i could go to my fight next year.

well supposedly if the covid has at least died down or vaccine is truly found so that i could go.

Remembrance

To remember only the good thing from another person

and be kind even if they have been wounded you in any way

that they away from your life, or shows up in your life

or even leave you sooner than you thought, physically or not

and still be kind to everyone i think that is the kindest thing one can do.

strange, when i wrote this with my mind on something and someone else

but yet now im thinking about my dad.

its been 9 years since he passed

my interaction with him the memories are still fresh in my mind

however his face kinda faded, still could recall if i think hard enough

i have very little picture with him, which is a regret.

well, of course that time smart phone wasnt really a thing yet.

but i once read someone wrote;

someone only truly dies when there are no one remember them,

so as long they are still in your memories they still live with you. in you.

so be it even you have lost someone important in your life,

be it they are still here but hurt you.

just remember,

remember, as your memories are the footprints that proof you live, that they lived.

flu

I had a flu last Friday,

Dint get better until Tuesday,

which i took leave on friday and monday and i have to be sick

even small flu now scares people and myself,

will always thinking if i had the Covid19

even pretty sure its just a small flu or viral fever,

the pressure of getting Covid19 is not from scare of dying but it actually troubles everyone you come contacts with.

another 14 days of isolation, cant work, cant go out, and tons of sanitation.

well i took leave to rushed all the assignments and have definitely not ready for coming exam

which drop at 8th of august.

I dont even sure why am i doing my degree, in part time.

its like trying to hang myself when i am already dropping a toaster in my bath

well. its a 3 years + period if manage to get all subject passed.

else it will delay again.

with lately increased workload, which next year might actually adding more responsibilities 

and projects.

hmm.. well. until then, i decide what come first.

??

Recently bought a queen size bed and switch out my single bed.

The main reason was because i wanted the under bed storage.

as follow

i know its looks weird because a tilam within a bed,

that wasnt my old bed, that was for any guest that might come over

poor's man bed

well

although it does give me better sleep

but, not sure why it make feels actually lonelier. 

since i dint want my sleep posture becoming like a Picasso painting

i only sleep on right side of the bed.

keeping it straight and neat.

then probably the empty spaces there making me felt that

and lately

after work i dont feel likes going home,

although i will still go home on time sharp, because of the traffic.

and some day is because my muay thai classes, 

not sure why but that thought just pop out at the back of my mind

i got no reason not to go back, but i just doesnt feel like it.

and that thoughts lingers. not like some impulse thoughts that gone away real quick

also i go no where to go.

come to think of it, like a really careful thought.

Im like Jon Snow knowing nothing

i dont really knows what i want, what i really like, what i love

who I love, who i hate, who i want in life, who are deem important in my life.

Lately im just so passive about everything, and being mono-polar 

Im like the jerk who keep on wanted to surf on a massive wave that i been warned not to

and get dragged by the current then still doing nothing try to save myself.

书

每次练完拳回来

不是整身痛，就是累到只想趴着

问题是刚吃饱，唯有挨着累等到食物从胃中稍微被搅化

在还没变成便便时才去睡觉

现在的我正是这样

刚刚有一刹那，吃完饭后的碗碟就想一丢洗碗盘，完全不想理会

大腿的肌肉很煎熬，站着比吃奶还累

等等 27 了还记得吃奶时的累？别想歪

最后还是乖乖的洗好，跟自己的大腿道个歉

刚还有被教练痛揍一番，就没力了只能护头然后被揍

叫我还手，打得没力又被揍，太慢又被揍，跑太远又被揍

说实话刚才是超好笑

好了，离题好远好远了

今天书说两本来自同一个作者

也是我最爱

作者是 蔡智恒 - 笔名是痞子蔡

先说《檞寄生》-但是真正的mistletoe 翻译是槲(hu)寄生

这里是作者因为字典搞错，他也出版时也跟着一样

https://jht.pixnet.net/

可以上到他自己blog 他有解释

而且他的书他也有上传在他自己的部落格

好了内容我不说了，你们自己能看

《檞寄生》这本，可以说是他的巅峰做，就连作者自己也经常说着

怎样能越过这本书给他自己的最高界限

但是我都觉得每一本都有不一样的味道，每位读者都喜欢不一样故事

就像《阿尼玛》这本，我个人特别喜欢

我还记得我刚买《檞寄生》时，我看了好几页我也丢一旁了

那时候的我觉得怎么故事乱七八糟

过了好几个月，终于有心情去看时

欸？怎么感觉不一样

我就一天一次过看完，故事的情节特别悲美，没到最后你也不懂主角选谁

《阿尼玛》呢，我特别喜欢它的结局

因为几乎每一本他写的小说，结局都很扎心

但是也真实

《阿尼玛》算的是其中一本少点扎心的

最近才知道，他还出了两本新书

最后一本我读的是 《不换》，而且还是在作者的部落格读的

我真的太久没买书了

他的作品我都有买，但是最新我有的就只到《阿尼玛》

不对

才想起

《阿尼玛》我送人了，送了给一位去台湾发展的朋友

看来她不回来了

所以我现在只存到《蝙蝠》？

haih

唯有等有机会时才买吧

好了食物在胃里消化的应该差不多了

Book?

Few of my friends just came over,

Just finished our chat and its late, I'm an early person, sleeping late is pretty much a torture to me

Couldn't really sleep most of the time

It has always been a problem for me, I have very bad sleep quality.

Couldn't  rest enough

I'm not even sure why am i here typing this

By the time finished this i probably only have like 3 hours of time frame for my sleep

Pretty much forcing my brain cells to suicide

Wait, this is going to be book right? since you have said that from last post

well... like hell i will.

Nah, just randomly talk about what the chat i had.

Trust.

To trust one, and to give one trust, is this hard?

For me, unfortunately i pretty dumb, i can only give 0 or 100 on this

there is not in between i only goes for extreme, 

if i were to trust you i would have give every ounce of it in me to you.

But well unfortunately some people are just might be ungrateful 

and ruined that

No matter that be your friends, your partners, your family or your significant other

Lucky for me for me at least, i still dint have trust issue even if i had been taken advantages of.

What are we if we just living on a masked face and fake trust or even living on act.

Is that living ? Is that even ourselves? nah

Well. im probably too tired thats why i type these. which is kinda emo kia.

ok. i have to dive into my blankets

Read

I can't say I read a lot, but i do read time to time

These are the books i have for now. Not much.

I gave and lend some of them out, some are not even sure where are them now.

I never have the heart to finish reading Anne Frank,

Wasn't because im lazy but its just too heartbreaking.

We are lucky now there is no great war are fought, living in those times a surely worst than hell.

Well, not that i have been to hell but, figure of speech.

As for the thickest in those, "Gone Girl" i never finished that because i bought a wrong version

The text is too small, too tiring when reading it, so i just screw it and go watch the movie instead.

The very first English Novel i read was The Fault in Our stars by John Green

Was introduce by a close lady friend of mine

that was like 7 years or more? ago? 

Slightly cloudy in my memories.

But that time i did read it online, then eventually bought the books, after that the movie came out

And watch it with her.

I'm pretty sure that point in my life i actually likes her.

But then she is flying to UK for her studies and so i gave her the book. and i wrote this in the book

Not sure what i was thinking back then but hey, was young, dumb and broke

The feeling is definitely gone now, like, long time ago.

even when she came back like few years ago we still never meet face to face

Well to me she is definitely one of the important friend in my life, nothing more

I don't think she read my blog? Kinda awkward if she did

but er.. but hey if you do, lets meet up and reminisce the old days

Its just bitter to have few of your close or old friends that just like lost into void

well... time to sleep. next time lets actually talk about reading. this time the point just flew over my head.

眼泪

最近一个好朋友（1）分了手
好几年的感情
近几天 都特意的过去看看
每个人对待分手的方式也不一样
所以看下他（1）要死了没
是因为是很好的朋友才这样说

我经历过另外一位朋友（2）的breakup
他（2）真的是要生要死天崩地裂海枯石烂
eh 等等，好像用错成语了
那时候我们整班朋友还真的给他折腾了几个月
也是因为是好朋友才愿意给他折腾

好这位（2）朋友先不说
说回（1）

见到他时感觉他就在崩溃的边缘
听着他细说着那过程,原因,后果
每一次他回忆起某些与前女友的细节
虽说没看到眼泪，但是他眼神与那颤抖的嘴唇
强忍着不哭的他 看到也蛮可怜
当然因为在外面餐厅，如果在没人地方 他应该都会放声大哭
他们分手原因与理由，谁对谁错，与我无关
我也只是个旁观者，我可以不喜欢不赞成谁或谁的做法
但是朋友也只能陪着，那些大众意见我都没给
因为谁不是会说一样的话？
那些话都很无畏

哎 人生啊 

Physically unable

First day of combat group gym reopen
only myself, another senior and my master
So what will happen when this few people?
Extra goddamn training.
Well luckily this time he actually let us off.
not as harsh because just reopened.
My back kinda gave up.
Because i tried a tornado kick few days ago
Have to admit i realllyyy getting old.
This might offense a lot of people but err. comparing what i use too really way too different
Also with 3 months of rest my shin seriously became tofu
each kick into the bags it hurt so much.
Have to stop time to time just let the pain to cold off.

And now i just so freaking tired writing this
wanted to sleep but can't because i just ate
have to let the food digest a little first
I might actually fall asleep typing this
But still. so much has changed since this pandemic
even now the gym can't have contact and just hit the bag
do some exercise.
most importantly i can't spar !!!!
The most fun things to do.

screw it..
going to bed

Cat > rat > boxing

Its been a while since i have hit some bag or pads.
finally have the heart to go open the gym and hit some, but the gym's stairs get taken by a cat
the cat has been hunting bird and rat to have dinner there.
This time the cat ate half the rat and left half of it rot there.
right in front of the gym door.
When i saw that i was spit out unconsciously "fucking hell" and most important when i open the door
It jam the door because it stuck at the gap between the door and the floor.
witnessing this make me just want to leave the place and pretend i never come here.
So took me quite sometime to have it clean up and sprayed dettol all over the stairs case.
but the smell kinda remain until i chuck it into the big trash bin outside.

Well... at least i did hit a while on the bags today.
Sometimes i record myself train when i train alone, just to see if i making some mistake.
time to time wanted to post on insta or fb story,
but what stopping me is that my master is following me on it.
probably when i upload it he will judge and says something like:
why is that kick so low
your hand drop! keep your hands up,
stance not wide not stable.
bend your knee don't straighten it

today i dint even bother to put on my lens, because it just wasteful.
pff, so well, here some of it

well first of all its a very half ass hitting, and look at 0.47, when I dint hit bags for too long and i felt the pain on my shin. then i stop and rub it. it was funny, because last time wouldn't felt anything unless i hit someone's elbow or knee. 

2nd recording.

0.42 did a kinda fail "question mark kick", it will looks better if initial faint kick raise higher.
0.48-did a pretty good in out in then following combo. but overall my hands drop too low
should have keep it at head level.
1.03- i tried some boxing skill its call "philly shell" just for awhile then i straight out gave up
because i executed it very bad.
although this skill is essential in boxing but in kick boxing or muaythai its not too useful because they can low kick you while you doing your head movement.

well.. i dint film much after these 2 videos i just keep hitting the bag for around 30 mins.
just to refresh my skill a little before the class reopen.

Maquia - When The Promised Flower Blooms (朝花夕誓——于离别之朝束起约定之花)

Don't be fool by the cover page above, its not another story or films that is about some teenager love story, but instead a mother and son.

I come across this animation films by totally accident, saw a short video about it on my YouTube recommendation section, got curious and look for it.

To my surprise is, this is a very good film with very fine animation details too. But however it receive little attention, their box office grossing is only less than 5 millions. Oh did i mention, this film received 100% rating from Rotten Tomatoes.

Im just going to give a very very brief plot at the starts, so that you can know what will happen while not spoiled if you decided to watch it: 

Maquia's race is called Iorph, and being dubbed as "the Clan of the Separated". They age very slowly compare to human and their looks stay young even for hundreds of years. Then 1 night soldiers of Mezarte riding their ancient flying wyverns called Renato and invade their village. Killing most of them and kidnapped Maquia's best friend Leilia, while Maquia due to one of the wyvern went berserk and left the village with Maquia on it then succumbs to the "red eye" sickness and die in a forest, after Maquia wakes up she found herself in an abandon camp that were just attacked by bandits, an infant was in a deceased mother arm, and Maquia adopted the infant named him Ariel and live in a nearby village. (in this time Maquia actual age is only 15 by humans years)

Ok im going stop with the plot here, while in between tons of things happen, like a war broke out and Ariel grow up realize that his mother is more or less immortal. 

and the ending you can guess, an immortal with a human child, how would that end? its bitter sweet  thou, but more like 99 % bitter.

So after watching this, reminded myself a question i used to ask myself a lot, what if im immortal or can live few thousands years? 

For me immortality is a cursed, not a gift. the only reason i want to be immortal is i wanted to see how far human can go, currently this generation is too late to see technology blooms, and too early for space travel.

While being immortal and just to see your loved one leave one by one and yet you stayed. 

Everyone is afraid of death, so do I, but im much more afraid being left alone.  

Weathering With You 天気の子(Tenki no Ko) - MakotoShinkai

During these lockdown time I have taken my time to re-watch 君の名は Your Name (Kimi No Na Wa) and wanted to write something about Makoto Shinkai latest works - 天気の子 Weathering With You (Tenki No Ko) which watched last year. Im no critics or rotten tomatoes sort, I just simply want to write down what i think of these films plus if you are reading this i am assumed that you have watch them both and know the plot. If somehow you have not watch them both, please spoilers alert, although not going to discuss a lot of plot details, but still.. spoiler alert.

君の名は Your Name is the number one grossing animation film in the world which it came out on 2016, best works of Makoto Shinkai and Your Name has brought a lot of attention to him, and when his new film comes out - Weathering with You a lot of people is comparing his latest works with Your Name, like he has created a best film how can he topped it off. while some people is actually disappointed that din't meet the level of Your Name, but for me i think its kind of unfair, both are definitely great films, its just like comparing your who is your favorite child, of course you might have one, but you definitely love them both.

Stories climax on Weathering With You is indeed slower than Your Name, where it happen almost at the end of the film where Hina(female protagonist) disappear and Hodaka(male protagonist) is looking for her through the shrine on top the building. Your Name climax point on other hand is at the middle of the film. Perhaps this is why some people dislike it because it has a slower development compare to Your Name. While it has the slower pace but for me, to see the Hodaka's character development that trying to find his place or himself in an unfamiliar city while develop his relationship with Hina and others is indeed a good sight to see. But overall, comparing to Your Name, Weathering with you have a much straight forward storyline, unlike Your Name where it has tons of "cipher" moment where you have to think why it happens, like the explanation of "誰そ彼" (Tasokare) the twilight time where you might see something you usually don't or the "結び" where it describe as how time is entangle, twisted all together. While Weathering with You has the very similar theme set, like shrine, god, blessing of god. Although it has a plainer story line but the character development is really great, especially it heavily indicate how much you can fight for love, like how Hodaka do all the things necessary to bring back Hina, of course Your Name has all these element as well, but its not as heavily shows than in Weathering with You, you would definitely know what i am talking about especially at the ending of the film. 

To sacrifice one to save millions, but what if the sacrifice is your loved one? Just like how Hodaka statement he made to Hina while they falling from the sky "Who cares if we don't see the sunshine again? i want you more than any blue sky, the weather can stay crazy" simply saying fuck the rest of the world, i only want you. See how a 16 years old is so much braver than a lot of adults when fight for their love, i know its  fiction but still...

Visual

Don't doubt it, its Makoto Shinkai's works, the visual is STUNNING just like his previous works. He really likes to animate rain, like in most his previous works sure that is a rain screen like, The Garden of Words, Your Name etc, and of course Weathering with You whole plot is about rain. All these details from rain drops, bubbles, the reflection of the puddle, food details, ray of lights, fireworks, and more have been animated to best details as possible, sharp and almost perfectly real. 

Music

Again, all of the music including the 5 vocal songs is all composed by Radwimps like previously in Your Name, but this time they are featuring a lady singer Toko Miura, singing 2 of the 5 vocal song. 

For me personally, songs for Weathering with You has more feel and fuse better with the movie with the lyrics almost like an explanation to the movie itself, but don't get me wrong, i really really like the songs in Your Name. 

Like the song "We'll be alright" playing in the end for their reunion, the lyrics the melody, fit right in, or at where they are falling from the sky and "Grand Escape" is playing, my god it gave me chills.

For the ending song Radwimps composed this after reading the scripts and present Makoto Shinkai this song "is that anything that love can do", in Weathering with You, this will be my favorite song, but in both of the films, my favorite still is "Nandemonaiya" ending song from Your Name.

I read a comment previously which fitly describe both Your Name and Weathering with you.

He said

"Your Name is finding love in fate

And Weathering with You is fighting fate for love"

While this post only saying these 2 films, but i do recommend you watch his other works, the very first Makoto Shinkai's works i watch was "The place promised in our early days" and second will be "5 centimetre per second", and for "5 centimetre per second" if you have a soft heart dont watch it, it just have too much heart piercing moment and ending. its a definitely an awesomely good film but i hate it, because its too real and sad. From all his works exclude the Your Name and Weathering with You, the one i like the most will be "星を追う子ども" literal translation will be the "children who chase stars" but in English films title has changed to "Children Who Chase Lost Voices" not sure why they did that, well if you have time you definitely should check this films, it interpret death, and good music especially the ending song "Hello goodbye and Hello" might make you shed tears. Good storyline. But for this into details maybe another time

PS:

I did not proof read or re-read the whole post, so any mistake please forgive me

Ended

Finally MCO is consider ended, but still tons of restriction,

Tomorrow finally going back to work.

What have i learned during all these free times? nothing much

Since works still coming remotely, plus when working from home,

Make peoples have no regards of time and day, hence they look for you anytime anyday.

But still at least at home some of the time did help for me to finished up my assignment as well as exam.

Talk about assignment, new sems is starting, even its part time still take a quite hard toll on me.

Also still a month of disciplined workout was the least i did.

Gym still cant open yet, hence cant play thai boxing for awhile.

Times flies really.

a month passed. and what did I accomplished

In this cauldron fashioned from delusion, with the sun as fire and day and night as kindling wood, the months and seasons as the ladle for stirring, Time cooks all beings: this is the simple truth.” — Mahabharata

I saw this quote from net, Mahabharata is an epics from ancient india.

It spoke a frightening truth, come to think of it, im getting old, another 3 years im going step into 30s,

It make me question how far i have gotten in my life, how far i have chased my dream,

How much effort did i make, or did i just slack the whole 27 years of my life.

Did i slacked? i guess no, did gave every effort then? guess no too .. 半々だけ

Grass

It's just myself talking to myself about myself,
Thomas Shelby - Peaky blinders

The quote from a drama i like,
Pretty much sums up what i wrote in here too,
if you know me don't bother asking why or what i wrote,
what i wrote here stays here.
Will talk when i feels like to.

Anyhow, shaved my hair few days ago never got to post on social media
Guess i will post here.
mehh, because it doesn't looks any different anyway,
Because i dint cut the middle parts where the "Grass" is growing,
not cutting it because i dint want it become unsalvageable
At least the middle part i can just wax it up or tie it up so it doesnt looks messy.
but the side and back how about, looks shit. so i shaved it,
it wasnt as crooked as i thought it would, turns out looks pretty good too.

Disciplined

I don't remember how days is has passed since the lock downs
Days 35? 36 ?
Din't keep track.
I miss the gym, the training, the sparing.
But in these lock down time i did not do any cardio exercise,
My stamina sure hell drop to rock bottom when this end.
But one thing surprise myself was I somehow disciplined myself,
to do two hundreds plus reps on conditioning/exercise everyday,
its not cardio and its not much by compare doing it at the gym
While back at gym we usually do a thousand times.
But I has been doing continuously for 2 weeks or more,
My lazy ass dint stop somehow.
Hope I could even do it after the MCO end,
The shape is coming out, it looks pretty dope

Vesemir

“I can't cry, I don't know how"
This phrase was from a favorite video game I played; Witcher 3
A mutant that has been strip from emotions, named Geralt.

Time to time I thought that phrase perfectly describe what I was,
There were so many things happened lately and not single tear was shed.
At these bad time for me, I just submerge myself in everything i could find,
I purposely made myself very busy, get myself a part time study in degree
Got my boss to give me extra projects.
Finding sustenance in the Muay Thai Class.
But the training is my solace, it made me forgets.
Not once let my bad side of my emotion shows, laugh as much as normally should
Until this MCO got me,
Where it made me have so much free times for my mind to tangle in memories and problems
Thus, make me having bad insomnia lately, my brain just keep thinking
I'm tired, its not my body, its my mind
Constrained my emotion too much it tires me out
Feels like collapsing any minutes when times goes by.
"I can't cry, I don't know how"
My heart is tattered, yet even lying on bed cant sleep the tears just wouldn't come out

Then few hours ago
just chatting to a friend that knows my agony, probably the only knows the full stories,
just due some circumstances this friend happened know.
Suddenly all these emotion just fucking gush out,
Crying unstoppable in front of the bright lid screen in my dark room.
Without warning.
Just for few minutes though, actually I was surprise, i dint know I still have this in myself.
I thought i was numbed enough that i doesn't feels anymore.
On first thought i was like, not manly enough because i cried
Then on second thought, fuck it I am Human too

The very last time I cried was when my dad passed away, 9 years ago.
Probably that time I have cried more than enough for a whole decade.
Seriously not joking i cried like hours straight, then repeating every few days, i was 18.

But to say,
My breakup is not the main reason for this emotion roller coaster, although it's a part of it,
But it was all the small and big disaster that accumulated through these few months.
It was tough for me at least. But for the first time in weeks, i think i can have good sleep tonight.

Neglect

It has been 7 months.
Since our broke up.
Strange, because I have never tell a single soul about how I felt in the past 7 months
I am not the talking nor sharing type
Yet here I am writing this.


People ask why, how does it end?
Is it people? Is it personality? Is it she having someone else?
But does it matter?
What matter is that it has ended.

Up to this point I guess we both don't know why we split up.
Actual reason, guess we both are not sure.
No one is perfect, but
To have each other is to find perfection in each other,
We are definitely not perfect, nor perfect for each other.
Hence she seeks it elsewhere where I just stay neglect.

To this point i wasn't sad, its just feel pity that 3 years down the road
Looks like I wasn't giving my all.
Still, looks like she has someone she likes now.
Chat with her earlier few days ago, hopefully we both get the relieve that we want
It was surprisingly cheerful, yet feels lonely.
It would probably be the last time.
Now, I just hope that she finds the perfection she seek.



愿你获得幸福，曾经爱过我的人