Vesemir

“I can't cry, I don't know how"
This phrase was from a favorite video game I played; Witcher 3
A mutant that has been strip from emotions, named Geralt.

Time to time I thought that phrase perfectly describe what I was,
There were so many things happened lately and not single tear was shed.
At these bad time for me, I just submerge myself in everything i could find,
I purposely made myself very busy, get myself a part time study in degree
Got my boss to give me extra projects.
Finding sustenance in the Muay Thai Class.
But the training is my solace, it made me forgets.
Not once let my bad side of my emotion shows, laugh as much as normally should
Until this MCO got me,
Where it made me have so much free times for my mind to tangle in memories and problems
Thus, make me having bad insomnia lately, my brain just keep thinking
I'm tired, its not my body, its my mind
Constrained my emotion too much it tires me out
Feels like collapsing any minutes when times goes by.
"I can't cry, I don't know how"
My heart is tattered, yet even lying on bed cant sleep the tears just wouldn't come out

Then few hours ago
just chatting to a friend that knows my agony, probably the only knows the full stories,
just due some circumstances this friend happened know.
Suddenly all these emotion just fucking gush out,
Crying unstoppable in front of the bright lid screen in my dark room.
Without warning.
Just for few minutes though, actually I was surprise, i dint know I still have this in myself.
I thought i was numbed enough that i doesn't feels anymore.
On first thought i was like, not manly enough because i cried
Then on second thought, fuck it I am Human too

The very last time I cried was when my dad passed away, 9 years ago.
Probably that time I have cried more than enough for a whole decade.
Seriously not joking i cried like hours straight, then repeating every few days, i was 18.

But to say,
My breakup is not the main reason for this emotion roller coaster, although it's a part of it,
But it was all the small and big disaster that accumulated through these few months.
It was tough for me at least. But for the first time in weeks, i think i can have good sleep tonight.